Marriage, Divorce and Remarriage
A-
Of the 2.3 million
marriages in 2006, about half (53%) take place in a religious
setting.
B-
The average
cost of a wedding is $27,500.
C-
Married
households are barely above 50%.
Of the U.S. 111 million households, 52% are now made up of married couples with
and without children.
D-
25th
Wedding Anniversary becoming rarer.
There is less than a 50% chance that couples currently married will reach their
25th anniversary.
E-
Divorce Rate
continues about 50%. While the average divorce rate is
50%, it is 40% for first marriage, 60% for second marriages and 73% for third
marriages.
F-
The seven year
itch continues. Couples separate on the average
seven years after marriage and divorce after eight.
G-
Over 90% of
people get married once. But those
marrying are waiting until they are older and they are less likely to remarry
following a divorce.
H-
Rate of
Cohabitation Escalates. Over 6
million couples now cohabit, a dramatic increase from only 500,000
cohabiting couples in 1970.
A- Marriage is a natural thing
a. People get married regardless of their beliefs, culture or traditions
b. It is part of the natural laws of this world
c. It has happened since the beginning – Matthew 19:8
B- Marriage is patterned after God’s covenants
a. It is a binding contract
b. It is a promise
c. It brings blessings when honored
d. It brings curses when dishonored
e. Marriage is best understood when viewed as a shadow of the ultimate Gospel Covenant with Jesus Christ
i. As Christians we are betrothed to Jesus
ii. Ultimately the Christian will wed Christ
C- God has a plan for the married in Christ
a. Through marriage we can better experience the love of God by learning to love one another in the roles God assigned us
b. We are perfected as we learn the role of headship
c. We learn about forgiveness, loyalty and honor
d. We learn to identify with Jesus’ suffering
A-
What is a Marriage?
a. A Divine Institution – a contract between man and woman established by God
i. God ordained it (Gen 2:18-24)
1. He did not want man to be alone.
2. Man needed a helper
3. God made a helper suitable for the man
a. That phrase, “helper fit for him”, which in the King James reads, “help meet for him”, is really translated out of two Hebrew words: “ezer neged”.
i. Ezer: aid or help
ii. Neged: a front, that is, part opposite; specifically a counterpart, or mate.
b. “Help meet” also means “helpmate”; meet (neged) meaning suitable mate, amongst the other definitions above. Therefore the wife is to be a suitable helper; a counter-part to her man.
c. Please see The Woman of Noble Character for an in-depth discussion of the woman as counterpart to the man.
ii. God introduced them to each other (Gen 2:22)
iii. God makes them one flesh; joins them together in the flesh (Gen 2:24; Matthew 19:5-6)
1. The union is a union of the flesh, not the spirit
2. This is why marriage ends when someone dies and why there is no marriage in heaven between souls (Mat 22:29-30)
iv. A man and woman are married whenever they enter into a union by mutual consent and commitment as husband and wife.
b.
A Shadow of Divine Covenants
i. What is a Covenant?
1. A solemn and binding relationship which is meant to last a life time.
2. A promise (bond) of faithfulness to the parties involved unto death
3. Covenants involve an accord between at least two people
4. Covenants are made to not be broken
a. There are no exceptions to break the covenant except death
ii.
Outline of a covenant
1. The pledge (Bond) – a promise
a. Accompanied with an exchange of words
b. Accompanied with a physical exchange or symbol
2.
The Establishment of obligations
a. The sharing of a common life – goal
b. Duties between the partners of the covenant
3.
The ratification
a. What seals and binds the covenant
b. Usually an external act in keeping with the promise
c. Often blood was spilled to illustrate the gravity of the covenant
4.
The Witnesses
a. Speak to the public, honorable and obliging nature of covenants
b. The Sharing of a meal with the witnesses often took place to commemorate the covenant
c. The observance of a celebration often took place to honor the covenant
iii. Fulfilled (Precursor) Covenants between God and Man
1. The Sabbath
2. After the Flood
3. Circumcision
4. The Law of Moses – the Old Covenant (Testament)
5. Christ in Us, the Hope of Glory – The New Covenant
iv.
The Marriage Covenant – One Flesh
(Togetherness) – Between Man and Woman
1. Malachi 2:14 ESV …the LORD was witness between you and the wife of your youth, to whom you have been faithless, though she is your companion and your wife by covenant.
2. We are pledged to one mate
3. We are to keep our pledge holy
4. The consummation of this pledge is sexual union
a. The covenant is ratified by sexual union
i. The breaking of the hymen – the veil of flesh in the woman spills blood
ii. This could be viewed as a blood covenant
b. This is what makes the One Flesh Covenant
v. How it is a shadow to the Ultimate Covenant in Christ
1. We are pledged to one husband – Jesus (2Co 11:2)
2. We must keep ourselves pure until the end of our lives, free from evil and full of good. We are to be the 3A bride to Jesus:
a. We are to be attractive to Jesus – Ephesians 5:25-27
b. We are to adapt to Jesus – Romans 8:29
c. We are to please and praise Jesus - 1Pe 2:9
3. The consummation of the pledge was enacted by our union to Jesus’ blood when we were baptized – Romans 6:3-11
c.
A natural law
i. It works automatically without regard to sin or righteousness, like gravity or the sunrise.
ii. It is something that happens between two people who agree to make it happen, whether they are just or unjust, Christian or not.
iii. A man and woman are married whenever they enter into a union by mutual consent and commitment as husband and wife, whether they have experienced previous marriages or not.
iv. Nonetheless, God has a beautiful plan for those who are married in Christ. Christians are in the best position to be blessed by their marriages.
d.
Christians should understand what and when a marriage is better than anyone else
B-
When is a Marriage?
a. How and when does God join two to become one flesh?
i. Old Testament – Marriage was recognized and honored as a covenant.
1. “… your wife by covenant.” – Mal 2:14
2. If there was a sexual relation without a formal covenant it could be considered a marriage – Deut 22:28-29
ii. New Testament – a marriage is a relational covenant where we pledge to serve and love each other as Christ loved us in the manner of how Jesus serves the church and the church serves Jesus – Eph 5:25ff
1. Being that marriage is the shadow of Jesus’ marriage with the church we cannot continue to define marriage by Old Testament standards only.
2. The marriage vow (engagement) is really the shadow of baptism
3. Through baptism we enter into our covenant with Jesus.
4. By a covenant a couple enters wedded bliss
iii. A man and woman are therefore married whenever they enter into a union by mutual consent and commitment as husband and wife in the manner of a covenant.
b. When is the marriage over?
i. Marriage binds for life (1Co 7:39)
ii. It is only for life on earth (Mat 22:30)
1. In heaven we will be married to Christ (Rev 19:7-9; 21:2)
2. Parables and allusions speak of this:
a. Mat 9:15 – “Can the wedding guests mourn as long as the bridegroom is with them? The days will come when the bridegroom is taken away from them, and then they will fast.”
b. Mat 22:2ff – Parable of the King who gave a wedding feast
c. Mat 25:1ff – Parable of the Ten Virgins
d. Luke 12:36 – “…be like men who are waiting for their master to come home from the wedding feast, so that they may open the door to him at once when he comes and knocks…”
e. Luke 14:8 – “When you are invited by someone to a wedding feast, do not sit down in a place of honor, lest someone more distinguished than you be invited by him…”
f. John 3:29 – Jesus speaks as the bridegroom
g. Romans 7:2-3 – Paul explains how God released Israel from their covenant, dying on the cross, instead of divorcing her for her adultery.
h. 2Co 11:2 – Paul speaks as betrothing Christians to Jesus
iii. A marriage can be dissolved
1. By death – Rom 7:2
2. By unrepentant adultery – Mat 19:9
3. By divorce – Mat 19:9
4. By desertion – 1Co 7:15
C-
Who makes a Marriage?
a. One man and one woman – Gen 2:24, etc.
b. Two men or two women together do not make a marriage – Lev 18:22; 20:13 – it is an abomination…
c. A marriage is always more than one and no more than two
d. Marriage is not for everyone(Mat 19:11-12)
i. Some cannot grasp (accept) this commitment (contract)
ii. Eunuchs from birth who may not need to marry
iii. Eunuchs by men – something that was typically done to some slaves in ancient times by the king to protect their harem
iv. Eunuchs by decision for the sake of the Kingdom of Heaven
D-
When Marriage is not
a. Rape – not mutual consent
b. Incest – considered an abomination by God (Lev 20:17-20)
c. Casual sex – fornication dishonors and wrongs your brother and sister (1Thes 4:1-8)
d. Something to judge in others – it is between God and the couple
E-
The Purpose of Marriage
a. In the New Testament Marriage is always compared and contrasted to the relationship between Jesus and the church (see all the scriptures we examined before above).
b. The clearest passage is Ephesians 5:32, where Paul speaks of the duties of the husband and wife in light of how the church and Jesus relate to each other.
i. Marriage is a living workshop unto perfection of faith
ii. The trials and challenges of marriage and parenting deepen our understanding of God’s heart as to how He relates to us
iii. These challenges are not necessary for everyone (1Co 7)
iv. For those who decide to do it on earth: let your marriage prepare you for the ultimate marriage to your Husband, Jesus.
A-
What is divorce?
a.
A broken covenant
i. Since marriage is basically a contract (covenant) of exclusivity between a man and a woman, similar to the covenant of exclusivity God seeks with man, it follows that divorce is the breaking of this contract.
ii. Jeremiah 31:31-32 ESV Behold, the days are coming, declares the LORD, when I will make a new covenant with the house of Israel and the house of Judah, 32 not like the covenant that I made with their fathers on the day when I took them by the hand to bring them out of the land of Egypt, my covenant that they broke, though I was their husband, declares the LORD.
b.
An irreparable relationship
i. Because there is no more desire to continue
ii. Because there is no desire to remain loyal
iii. Because the relationship has been tainted by adultery
c. Divorce exists because of sin – because of hardness of heart (Mat 19:3-9), but it never was part of the plan – from the beginning it was not so…
i. It is something that God hates (Mal 2:16) – nonetheless, He himself considers it for those who’ve blasphemed the Spirit (Mark 3:29).
ii. God dissolves the pledge of marriage to Christ for Christians who terminate their loyalty to Him:
1. It is not any one sin that terminates our covenant with God, but a heart that has been hardened to the truth – a heart that ignores truth and seeks to return to evil – an unfruitful branch (John 15:1-4; Luke 9:62).
2. Jer 3:8 – She saw that for all the adulteries of that faithless one, Israel, I had sent her away with a decree of divorce…
3. Revelation 21:8 ESV But as for the cowardly, the faithless, the detestable, as for murderers, the sexually immoral, sorcerers, idolaters, and all liars, their portion will be in the lake that burns with fire and sulfur, which is the second death.
4. As long as we are in the world there will be divorce. Not even God, Who hates divorce, can prevent from divorcing Himself from those who once pledged themselves to Him but later on want nothing to do with Him.
5. In the same way, since divorce has to do with two people, it is often beyond the control of any one person.
B-
When is divorce?
a. When a spouse has decided it is not worth it to continue with their commitment to their spouse.
i. There are too numerous circumstances reasons or events to list that can make someone decide to discontinue their commitment to their spouse.
ii. Most of them have to do with progressive and unrepentant sin in their own life:
1. Faithlessness – loss of trust or faith in God which leads to:
2. Immorality – lustful thoughts, lack of finding satisfaction in their spouse which can lead to:
3. Lack of self-control – lustfully looking at others, engaging in pornography, flirting and eventually:
4. Adultery
iii. When this happens, divorce is imminent unless there is reconciliation, first to God, then to the spouse.
iv. If this happens between a Christian and an unbeliever, the Christian should remember forgiveness is what is on God's mind
1. God does not force marriage on people – but He does not promote divorce.
2. God also promotes peace:
a. Sometimes the Christian has no other recourse:
i. Peace is important – 1Co 7:15
1. If someone is not content to live with their spouse, particularly an unbeliever who wishes not to remain with his Christian spouse – the Christian spouse has no control over this and there has been a divorce.
2. Marriage is not meant to enslave
b. God desires for the unbelieving spouse to become a believer – 1Co 7:13-16
i. Here the Christian’s influence is priceless
ii. The Christian should decide when the marriage has been irreparably violated and offer peace and forgiveness if it has not been irreparably violated.
b. When unrepentant adultery takes place
i. When a spouse dismisses their loyalty and fornicates with another on a regular basis, thus marrying that other person eventually by natural law.
ii. "Adultery" is a special kind of "fornication," and fornication is an act of sexual union between two people who are not married to each other. Fornication becomes adultery whenever one or both of the parties are currently bound in marriage to someone else. Thus the introduction of a third party "adulterates" the relationship between a husband and his wife, just as the intrusion of a foreign substance adulterates a food or medicine, spoiling its purity.
iii. We have to understand Jesus raised the bar on adultery in Matthew 5:27-28: ESV "You have heard that it was said, 'You shall not commit adultery.' 28 But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”
iv. Someone who is not satisfied with their marriage and decides to feed his lust with his eyes puts himself on the road to adultery.
C-
God hates divorce! Anytime,
anywhere, for any reason!
a. In the Old Testament adultery was often seen as the loophole for divorce.
i. This is why Jesus is asked: "Is it lawful to divorce one's wife for any cause?" (Mat 19:3)
ii. Jesus does not respond to the question because it is a wrong question.
1. Does someone who wishes to be baptized ask, “For what reasons I can break this commitment I am about to get into with Jesus?”
2. In the same way, if you truly understand marriage you truly understand the nature of covenants – they are binding unto death, which is what Jesus points out:
iii. Jesus response is in keeping with the nature of covenants: Matthew 19:4-6 ESV He answered, "Have you not read that he who created them from the beginning made them male and female, 5 and said, 'Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh'? 6 So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate."
1. The reference to “one flesh” is a reference to the covenant of marriage.
2. Jesus says it was designed to be an everlasting covenant from the beginning – not to be broken by man.
iv. Divorce violates the sanctity of the covenant
1. It reduces the covenant to a lie
2. It compromises marriage
3. It dishonors men and women before God and before each other
a. The witnesses at your covenant ceremony will ridicule you
b. They witnesses themselves are dishonored by your belittlement of the covenant
v. The disciples understood the gravity of the blood covenant of marriage
1. Their response: "If such is the case of a man with his wife, it is better not to marry." – Mat 19:10
2. They understood that is a covenant unto death and that you need to count the cost before joining someone in that covenant
b. Many in our culture use it the same way, to get another spouse
c. When is it OK?
i. When is something born of sin considered OK? It is not a question whether it is OK or not – it happens.
1. Just because a girl has conceived out of wedlock should we hate the girl or her baby?
2. Just because two men have fornicated should we hate them?
d. What should we do when divorce happens in the church?
i. Divorced people need our love and forgiveness, regardless of what has happened.
ii. The Bible does not issue any mandate to disfellowship brethren who have divorced.
iii. If they decide to each remarry they need our love and support. They have been forgiven if they repent in the same way the girl who conceived out of wedlock and then men who fornicated have been forgiven if they repent.
D-
What Divorce is not
a. A piece of paper issued by a human court
b. A temporary separation (1 Co 7:10-15)
c. Being release by the death of a spouse
d. An unforgivable sin
e. A continuing event
A- Remarriage occurs whether it is permissible or not. Even Jesus recognized the other union as marriage in Matthew 19:9 – “…and marries another…”
a. Though the marriage of a divorced person may indeed begin with an act of adultery, once the old marriage has been broken and the new one consummated, there is no evidence in the language of Jesus to indicate that the new marriage is any less binding than the old one was.
b. Remember God's law of marital union is part of the body of natural law which he set in operation in the beginning, and that it works automatically without regard to sin or righteousness.
B- Living in Adultery?
a. The phrase is not found in the Bible
i. This is the concept that a person who has been divorced unscripturally and marries another is actually committing fornication over and over with their new bride
ii. Mat 19:9 says “commits adultery”, not “keeps on committing adultery”.
b. In the present tense there is in Greek no distinction between I loose, which simply represents the action as taking place in present time, and I am loosing which calls attention to the continuance of the action. This explanation is typical of statements that are to be found in every reputable Greek textbook. It should be noted, however, that in the Greek, the statement of Jesus is in the future tense, but the same rules concerning point and linear action apply.
i. Every English translation of the Bible renders the words of Jesus in this passage "commits adultery," or "shall commit adultery" -- never "keeps on committing."
ii. The adultery is committed
1. When the spouse married another without being loosed by death from their former spouse
2. When the spouse had sexual relations with someone other than their spouse
3. When the spouse consummated their “new” marriage
iii. By virtue of this kind of adultery the covenant is broken
C- Separation or celibacy requirement for the “guilty”
party?
a. Once the ties of a former marriage have been severed, the formerly married person is loosed.
i. The people cannot be considered as committing adultery in their new marriage since they are no longer married to their former spouses! The adultery was committed already and the former marriages dissolved!
ii. To say they commit adultery if remarried is to imply they are still married to the persons that divorced them.
iii. There is no celibacy requirement for divorced people who committed adultery in their former marriage
b. The best they can do is ask God and their former spouse for forgiveness and resolve never to repeat the mistake.
c. Better to follow the admonition of Paul: “Let each one remain in the same calling in which he was called. ... Are you bound to a wife? Do not seek to be loosed. Are you loosed from a wife? Do not seek a wife. But even if you do marry, you have not sinned...” (1 Cor. 7:20, 27-28).
d. To impose celibacy is to support doctrines of demons (1Tim 4:3)
D- “Guilty” & “Innocent” Parties? Which can remarry?
a. Those who divorce are not identified by Jesus as guilty or innocent.
b. Whether guilty or innocent, when a divorce happens both people are loosed from the marriage.
c. The loosed person will do what they do.
d. Those who’ve undergone a divorce, whether guilty or innocent, need our love and our forgiveness more than anything to be able to continue on the narrow path
e. Only those Christians who choose to remarry after their one-flesh covenant has ended by the death of their spouse are free to remarry in the Lord – 1 Co 7:8-9, 39; 1 Tim 5:14
f. Those Christian spouses who’ve been deserted by their unbelieving spouses are not enslaved (under bondage); meaning, their covenant has been dissolved and they are free to remarry – 1 Co 7:15
E- What should the church (leaders) encourage
or discourage?
a. We should not encourage divorce
i. Jesus did not encourage divorce, he just stated plainly what God had done and said form the beginning
ii. We know God hates divorce
iii. We need to encourage a troubled marriage to focus on their pledge to God as Christians and their pledge to each other in marriage
iv. We can offer ways to help them build their bonds again
1. Through seminars
2. Counseling
3. Mentorship
v. One thing we should not do is ignore troubled marriages
b. We should encourage strong marriages
i. We should continually offer encouragement for those who are married
1. Seminars
2. Classes
3. Fellowships
ii. Churches need to have programs in place to prevent marriages from deteriorating
1. Marriage counselors available
2. Classes available
3. Seminars available
iii. If there are too many “late” marriage counseling sessions taking place (when adultery or other problems are already happening) there are not enough preventive measures occurring in the congregation.
c. We also should encourage love and forgiveness when a divorce has happened