10 Keys to Effective Discipline

From Raising Faithful Kids in a Fast Paced World

by Dr. Paul Faulkner

 

 

The principles we are going to look at have been proven to work again and again.  They are excellent guidelines for raising godly children—remember that each child is unique and what works with one child may not work with another.  Remember also that even the best parenting efforts sometimes fall short (see Isaiah 1). 

 

#1 is Parental Unity  

As you can see in Isaiah 1:2 even the best parent’s efforts can fall short through no fault of their own.  God is the perfect parent yet he reared rebellious children (you and I are examples of that before coming to Christ especially).  We are not perfect-not even close- so we need to learn the best training methods we can.     

 

“I cannot exaggerate the importance of parental harmony.  The welfare of the children rests more on parental unity than on any child-rearing expertise the parents may have.”  Dr. John White (Psychiatrist)

 

Parenting is hard enough—if you don’t agree with each other you are in trouble.  For those who have children in 2 households this is particularly challenging.  Parents in this situation still need to communicate as much as possible between households.        

 

#2 Turn Them Inside Out—From Extrinsic to Intrinsic Control

We are discipling our children to Christ.  One of our goals is to help them grow and mature from extrinsic or external controls (rules, parents, teachers, other authority figures) to intrinsic, self control, or self discipline.  The whole point is to help them learn to discipline themselves—to turn it inside out!  (see 1Timothy 4:7-15 examples here in the body like Dasha and Benjie.  See also 2 Corinthians 5).

 

  1. Simple examples of potty training /hand washing/ money
  2. Transferring ownership of values (1 Cor.4:14-17 to see Timothy was to see Paul.)

Example of Nathan’s baseball coach announcing they had a makeup game to be played on Sunday at 2pm.  Before he even spoke to me, Nathan already told his coach he would not be there!!!

 

  1. Teaching Postponement of Pleasure

                        Take your children to the store without buying them things.  My sons have developed the skills of researching before purchasing.  If they are going to buy something they often research it online first—they read the reviews—they know the price it should be etc.  If we go into a new store Nolan finds items he knows about and figures out if the store has too high of a markup or not.  If he thinks they charge too much he wants to leave right away.

  1. Modeling Intrinsic Discipline—with food—with TV—with Quiet Times.  Show them no one needs to be on you to control yourself.  Inspire them by your example!

 

*      [slide]1 Timothy 4:7-15

*      1 Corinthians 4:14-17  see Timothy see Paul

*      2 Corinthians 5:14  Christ’s love compels us

*      Proverbs 25:28 a man lacking self-discipline is like a city without walls

 

 

#3 Emphasize Principles Over Rules (see all of the Proverbs)

  1. Rules tend to make us angry and we want to break them (i.e. VBS game rules).  Guidelines and principles point to the future and a purpose.  Rules and punishment, on the other hand, look backward at past mistakes and forward only to the punishment that will come from failure to keep the rules.  (see Ephesians 6:4 and apply this).

2.  Perception of rules varies from person to person. 

3.  Having lots of rules requires a good memory

  1. Teach them the Proverbs (read Chapters 1 through 9 with them—then study the individual Proverbs from chapter 10 on).

 

#4 Discipline Early (see Pedro’s outline for this)

I have read in many places that our children’s character is formed in the first 5 years of their lives.  I have also read that infancy through 6th or 7th grade is crucial—before hormones become an obstacle.  How they obey you (or don’t obey you) is indicative of how they will obey or disobey the Lord! 

 

#5 Administer Punishment Sparingly and Carefully

1.      When to spank (or use the rod)—direct disobedience has worked for us

2.      Focus on the act, not the child

3.      Punishment must not be parent centered—“if you interrupt ME one more time…”

4.      Do not punish when you are angry

5.      Punishment must not be harsh

6.      Never punish if you don’t have all the facts (Proverbs 17:26 be sure you got the right guy)

7.      Re-warm the atmosphere afterwards

 

#6  Alternatives to Punishment

1.      Natural and logical consequences (i.e. if you don’t bring your laundry down you don’t get you clothes washed)

2.      Allow such consequences to happen—this is not what you want to protect them from.

3.      Share some more examples from the book (i.e. if you don’t come to dinner when called no dinner etc).

4.      Choices—give them choices when you can.  I forget to do this and present too many ultimatums and it wears on my sons (they listen but it gets harder and harder for them).  It’s better to give them some control /decision making practice. 

5.      Example in teaching them to save their money—one son was not too keen on the idea and I felt like I did a good job explaining why it was important—but he was not buying into it.  I pretty much forced him to save some money by putting it in the bank for him—not effective and I would not like someone doing that to me.  Then I remembered what finally convinced me to begin saving at work—dollar for dollar matching.  I explained what that meant and that I would do that for 2006—now my son is very motivated to save and he likes watching the numbers in his account grow!         

6.      [slide]  Proverbs 6:10; 32—33 /8:10

 

#7 Teach Children How To Make Amends (Spend most time on this)

1.      Conflict resolution—see Proverbs 17:17 family needs to learn how to make amends and stand with each other through adversity—that’s what brothers are for!

2.  Fair fighting (Don’t use the words “never” and “always” etc..  No name calling or mocking—take turns speaking and listening)

 

            3.  Forgiveness

 

[slide] 1 Peter 5:5-7

 

#8 Be Consistent (ties together with #1)

            You may be given differing advice on how to discipline in a certain situation—most important is to agree on whichever you choose and be consistent in it (Amos 3:3).  Your children will know if you don’t really agree.  Moms especially susceptible to this—do not give way to fear!

•         [Slide]  Ephesians 4:14 —Spiritual maturity will contribute to consistency in our parenting

 

#9 Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff

1.      Keep the big picture in mind (In my house we have no trouble with getting our boys to come to the table but we have had to work on eating peacefully /quietly.  After spending time with a cousin one of my boys picked up a very annoying technique for eating pizza—scraping it clean!  I found myself making an issue of this—“do you know how much that pizza costs?”  This is small stuff.  If he comes when called and is eating peacefully I don’t care anymore what technique he uses!

2.      [Slide]  Keep the BIG picture in mind!  (Heb. 12:2-3)

 

 

#10 Make It Fun

            Proverbs 17:22