Teaching Kids Responsibility

 

I.          Responsibility is a word that has many aspects and can have many rewards.  Taking on responsibility is a path not well traveled.  Many avoid it at all costs. (Perhaps you can share this with your kids.)

 

A.        Taking responsibility for your actions shows true maturity.

1.         (Prov 28:13-14 NIV)  He who conceals his sins does not prosper, but whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy. {14} Blessed is the man who always fears the LORD, but he who hardens his heart falls into trouble.

2.         “I broke it.”  “I spilled it.”  “I did it.”

 

B.         Taking responsibility for unknown actions or events.

1.         (Mat 27:24 NIV)  When Pilate saw that he was getting nowhere, but that instead an uproar was starting, he took water and washed his hands in front of the crowd. "I am innocent of this man's blood," he said. "It is your responsibility!"

2.         Who spilled the juice on the floor?  Doesn’t mean that you accept blame of confess to sin that is not yours, but that you are will to do something about it.  “Sorry, I did it.  I’ll clean it up right now”.  Or: “I don’t know who did it, but I’ll clean it up.”

 

C.        Taking responsibility for tasks to be done. (Short term)

1.         (Mark 9:35 NIV)  Sitting down, Jesus called the Twelve and said, "If anyone wants to be first, he must be the very last, and the servant of all."

2.         Thoughts: “The garbage is full...I’ll take it out.”  “I don’t have to wait to be told.  Dad is not the only one who notices.

3.         (Heb 10:7 NIV)  Then I said, 'Here I am--it is written about me in the scroll-- I have come to do your will, O God.'" This would be music.

 

D.        Taking responsibility for an entire project or need. (Long Term)

1.         Thoughts: “I will make sure that when Mom and Dad get home, the dishes are always done.”  “I will make sure that when I get out of bed, I make it up, so my wife won’t need to make for me.”

2.         (Prov 11:29 NIV)  He who brings trouble on his family will inherit only wind, and the fool will be servant to the wise.

3.         (Prov 14:35 NIV)  A king delights in a wise servant, but a shameful servant incurs his wrath.

 

E.         Responsibility has a root word...response.  It is a verb (action).  You can’t be responsible sitting down not working.  A response in not only verbal, but with actions.  Honor God by what you do.

1.         (James 2:17-19 NIV)  In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead. {18} But someone will say, "You have faith; I have deeds." Show me your faith without deeds, and I will show you my faith by what I do. {19} You believe that there is one God. Good! Even the demons believe that--and shudder.

 

II.         Practical

A.        What not too’s:  The anal retentive side of me made a chart with a point system:

1.         Now this chart had a chore list identifying kitchen, living room, bedroom, laundry...that was the first level.

2.         In hopes of having them do all of the kitchen I made it a little more detailed.  If we take the kitchen...

a.         Dishes 1.25 points

b.         Counter 0.25 points

c.         Front of the cabinets 0.5 points

d.         Stove 0.25 points

e.         Sweep floor 0.25

f.          Clean sink 0.25

g.         Dry and put away 0.25

3.         Living room:

a.         Couch - 0.25

b.         Vacuum Rug - 0.25

c.         Dust - 0.25

d.         etc

4.         Supporting chart to explain how many times a week each item needed to be done.

5.         Most amazing schedule with all of the details, so I could make sure everything is done.

6.         You must know what happened: Didn’t work...they were frustrated, and so was I.  No motivation: They didn’t understand the chart, and I had to use a calculator.

 

B.         Round 2: Much better chart.  Started learning what was truly important to me.

1.         Kitchen - 2pts

2.         Living Rm - 2pts per week

3.         Bedroom - 5pts

4.         Quiet Times: 2pts each.

5.         Each person has their own specific responsibilities.

6.         Started out great...waned, because of lack of reward.  My kids lost the concept of points.

 

C.        Not so complicated (Kiss): 

1.         (Rom 7:9-10 NIV)  Once I was alive apart from law; but when the commandment came, sin sprang to life and I died. {10} I found that the very commandment that was intended to bring life actually brought death.

 

D.            Reward often, don’t wait:

 

E.         They need reminders on how important their responsibilities are.  Not a sermon, but an encouragement of how much they are contributing to the household.

 

F.         Partial reward, don’t make it an all or nothing.

1.         (Prov 22:6 NIV)  Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.

 

G.        Sometime money is not the answer: The prize is better.  Some children can’t appreciate the $, but understands slurpee.  All kids need the praise!

1.         (Prov 16:21 NIV)  The wise in heart are called discerning, and pleasant words promote instruction.

2.         (Prov 16:24 NIV)  Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.

 

H.        $ for each ‘E’ or ‘A’ when I was growing up.  Grades are not the only measure of success.  One of my great counselors told me to work with the Concepts, don’t worry so much about dotting every ‘I’ and crossing every ‘T’.

 

I.          They will not do it all and do it well.  You will be picking up the slack.  Just like we depend on Jesus to pick up our slack.  (Rom. 3:23).  A bar too low is insulting, a bar too high is intimidating, but a bar just right is a challenge.

1.         (1 Ki 3:7-9 NIV)  "Now, O LORD my God, you have made your servant king in place of my father David. But I am only a little child and do not know how to carry out my duties. {8} Your servant is here among the people you have chosen, a great people, too numerous to count or number. {9} So give your servant a discerning heart to govern your people and to distinguish between right and wrong. For who is able to govern this great people of yours?"

2.         Kids in class: Jeannie example, 1st said house, toys, etc, but put in Solomon’s scenario, all said the same thing.

 

J.          Don’t over burden.  Not everyone can do the same thing.  Some kids need you to help them more.  Jasmine likes me to be involved.

1.         (Eph 6:4 NIV)  Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.           

 

K.        Raising your kids is a 2 person job.  Like professional wrestling.  One tags in as the other tags out.  The worse direction you can give is 2 different ones.  I had to learn to choose my battles.  Some need more help than others (Jasmine).  I had committed to not seek a spouse out of need.  I want my home be something to offer as a blessing not a curse.  After a year of struggle and balance...all of the days aren’t so crazy.

1.         This family has been amazing with the love and support.  Sister’s with Jasmines hair; cooking; sitting; guidance; encouragement; etc.

2.         Dads, don’t take the attitude: “My wife has the kids.” Dad and daughters assessment handout.

3.         (Eph 6:4 NIV)  Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.  I THINK SOME TIMES WE ARE TRYING SO HARD NOT TO VIOLATE THIS VERSE, THAT WE DON’T PRACTICE IT.  Dad it is your job to train, and your wife is there to help you!

 

                                                                                                           

III.       What is different now?

A.        I spent a lot of time trying to live Eph. 5...but not enough time experiencing it.

 

B.         Typical day at the Stallworth’s after a year of training and practice (with a long way to go):

1.         Up at 7am.  Wake the kids.  Wake the kids...WAKE THE KIDS...  Jasmine to the shower...I take a shower upstairs.  .JJ tells on Jasmine because she’s taking a long shower.  I explain to JJ how to ask Jasmine to hurry up.  JJ and Jasmine argue about the shower.  Jasmine takes longer, since she know JJ needs to get in.  I’m ironing my clothes.  JJ starts eating breakfast.  Jasmine finally comes out of the shower about 7:40am.  JJ’s mad.  Jasmine tells on JJ because he’s mean to her.  I tell Jasmine how to encourage JJ and tell him he’s hurting her feelings.  JJ and Jasmine argue over who is the meanest.  JJ puts the cereal box in front of his face and won’t talk to Jasmine.  Jasmine tell on JJ.  JJ immediately comes to his defense.  I say, ‘Go solve it’.  Kids go back to eat...JJ comes and tells on Jasmine because she won’t talk to him.  I come down and tell them that they are NOT ALLOWED TO TALK TO EACH OTHER.  JJ and Jasmine have a great conversation and get a long great. (8:10am everyone is supposed to have their shoes on and stuff by the door to catch the 8:17am bus.)  8:15am JJ and Jasmine scramble for their books and shoes.  8:16, Jasmine comes with papers for me to sign for school.  Dad gets a little closer to an ulcer.  Dad fusses at kids.  8:16 and a half...we all rush to the bus stop.  Jasmine is wearing the bride of Frankenstein (because she didn’t put her hair net on) and JJ is wearing a football helmet (because he doesn’t want a haircut).  JJ makes an attempt at combing, but it hurts...so it turn into the Gumbie hair style.  Finally the bus comes and off to work I go (hoping not to get the I’m sick call).  I pray each day for wisdom and direction on the way to work.

2.         Work is work demanding...etc.  Home at lunch to start dinner, so we don’t eat at 9pm.  Kids to the after school program at 3:30pm, where they do their homework.  Pickup kids at 6pm.  JJ want to go to Justin’s house...Jasmine want to make plans with Agatha.  I say, “We’ll see.” “Soooo...JJ and Jasmine did you do all of your homework?”  “Yes Daddy”, they both echo.  Get home.  Get the mail,...“Jasmine, pick up you shoes....Kris, wakeup...get your stuff out of the living room...JJ, take out that garbage...Jasmine set the table....etc” (about forty or so other requests come out.)  “Let me see your homework and your agenda books.”  Kids lay out their books at the table.  About 7:30pm we sit to eat.  Talk a little and look at the agenda books and it doesn’t match the homework.  “JJ, where is the paper you were suppose to edit?”  “Ahhhh, I didn’t finish it” “Jasmine, where is the social studies, science, math, english, etc?”  “Daddy, ahhh, daddy I forgot my science book” The ulcer gets bigger...dad fusses.  “Oooook...where is the rest of the work.”  “I didn’t finish, Ms Kristine made us go out to play.”  “When you’re finished with dinner, you will finish this work...both of you!”  About 9pm they are done with dinner after much giggling and play.  9:15pm JJ and Jasmine to their homework.  10pm JJ is in the shower.  10:15pm, “JJ go to bed.” 10:20pm, “JJ go to bed.”  10:25pm, “JJ go to bed.”  10:30, “JJ GO TO BED.”  10:30pm Jasmine finishes her homework.  10:30-11pm Jasmine to bed.  “Dad, I can’t sleep”....well you know how that goes.  “JASMINE, GO TO BED.” Oh yeah...chores...they fit in during all of the chaos :-)

3.         We do have lighter days, with a little less homework or I planned a little better with dinner.  Meeting nights are always a challenge.  Near the end of the school year, we got bedtime down to about 10pm.  The one with the least amount of homework or actually did it all, did well on their chores.  I have to take up the slack or they can get bonus points for doing someone else’s job.

 

C.        One of the best helps for us was the rule: No TV or video games during the week.  This saves so much wasted time and stops the constant asking about it.  When the rule is clear, fair and they understand, it is much easier to submit.  Works the same for us.

 

D.        My family meeting at the beginning of the year:

1.         “Daddy can’t do this alone.”  We made a family IGA (Individulal Growth Area) form for each of us.  We all told each other what we thought was our strengths and weaknesses.  I challenged everyone to use their strengths to contribute to the household.  (I.e. Kris to help with the homework; JJ to keep serving and not worry about anyone else; Jasmine to keep being funny and make us all laugh..etc)

 

IV.       Questions:

A.        What is your system?

B.         What are some of the responsibilities you’ve given your kids?

C.        Are you training your daughters how to cook?  Son’s how to mow the lawn?  Use tools?

D.        What didn’t work for you?

E.         What are some rules that have made a big difference for you?

F.         How about your reward system?