How To Train Up a Child in the Way He Should Go

 

Our main job as parents is to train our children:

 

Pro 22:6 ESV Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.

 

The simple goal we’re aiming at is to prepare them for God’s discipline:

 

Heb 12:9-10 NIV  Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of our spirits and live!  10  Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness.

 

Let’s begin by examining Proverbs 22:6:

 

Train up… is the Hebrew chanak, meaning “to narrow”; figuratively to initiate or discipline: - dedicate, train up.

 

…in the way he should go… - not the way he would go or the way you would want him to go. It’s not about giving him a career of your choice or of their choice, but giving him the skills and the discipline he will need to find (discover) his own way; suitable to his character, talents and capabilities – the way God has set for him. It is up to the parent, having the most experience, to be able to instruct (train up, initiate) his child in this way.

 

Transliterated: “Initiate the child at the opening (the mouth) of his path.” When he comes to the opening of the way of life, being able to walk alone, and to choose; stop at this entrance, and begin a series of instructions, how he is to conduct himself in every step he takes.

 

This passage thus implies:

 

  1. We need to know our children at the deepest level
  2. Communication is key
    1. Know their fears
    2. Their desires
    3. Their strengths of character
    4. Their weaknesses
    5. Encourage them to communicate freely with you

                                                               i.      At dinner time engage them by asking them

1.      What they did during the day

2.      What they liked about the day

3.      What they didn’t like about the day

                                                             ii.      Frequently ask for their opinion on something, whether they liked or didn’t like something and why

                                                            iii.      Teach them about important convictions they need to have

                                                           iv.      Always look for teachable moments – young kids are always open for teachable moments

    1. Don’t discourage communication by

                                                               i.      Body/facial language

1.      I don’t have time for you

2.      I can’t look at you now

3.      Ohhh!!  Again???!!! (rolling up the eyes)

                                                             ii.      Being too occupied (busy) that your only time for them is to correct them and rebuke them.

                                                            iii.      Making them feel as if they cannot say certain things

1.      Don’t embarrass them

2.      Don’t make them feel silly or inadequate

3.      Don’t treat a topic like it’s taboo

  1. Parental Support (Motivation) is imperative
    1. They need emotional support

                                                               i.      They need your hugs, kisses and embrace

                                                             ii.      They need sweet and beautiful words said about them

                                                            iii.      They need to see mom and dad hugging, kissing and speaking beautifully to each other

    1. They need intellectual support

                                                               i.      They need you to explain to them over and over and over

                                                             ii.      They need you to help them be smart about their world

                                                            iii.      They need to learn how to learn something – how to make it their own as opposed to depending on other’s convictions and knowledge

                                                           iv.      They need to learn how to make up their mind about something

    1. They need spiritual support

                                                               i.      Children need to learn morals and manners

                                                             ii.      They will learn them from you

                                                            iii.      They will copy yours and base their own convictions on the model you provide for them

                                                           iv.      They need to learn about all the Bible accounts and teachings

  1. So Child Training involves:
    1. Communication – We spoke about that
    2. Motivation – That’s the Parental Support we spoke about
    3. Discipline – We will be speaking about that more

 

It is not just living “with them” (side by side) – it is not just giving commands or discipline (one way) – communication implies two ways always.  When you are training your kids the right way, in the instruction and discipline of the Lord, you will reap many benefits, it’s not just giving and giving, but it is a give and take:

 

Psa 37:23-27 ESV The steps of a man are established by the LORD, when he delights in his way; 24  though he fall, he shall not be cast headlong, for the LORD upholds his hand.  25 I have been young, and now am old, yet I have not seen the righteous forsaken or his children begging for bread.  26 He is ever lending generously, and his children become a blessing.  27 Turn away from evil and do good; so shall you dwell forever.

 

Parents give: love, advice, instruction, correction and rebuke (2 Tim 3:16-17)

Parents take: love, encouragement, blessing, humility, devotion to God

 

Kids give: love, attention, obedience, faithfulness and devotion

Kids take: love, instruction, discipline and training

 

Let’s talk about discipline now.

 

Discipline vs. Punishment

 

Discipline does not necessarily mean punishment and vice-versa. They can be two entirely different things.  Those who are trained (disciplined) have no need for punishment as much as those who are only punished without being trained. That’s how you know a child is not really being trained – when the parents spend most of their energy only punishing (rebuking) or being indifferent – leaving the child to his own ways:

 

Pro 29:15 NIV The rod of correction imparts wisdom, but a child left to himself disgraces his mother.

 

One extreme of parenting is illustrated in this verse: the permissive style, which basically leaves a kid to become his own authority – he is left to himself. Notice how the mother is the one mostly affected by this extreme of parenting. Why is that? That’s because she has the most influence on a young child:

 

The mother is the thermostat of the home – she controls the disposition (temperament) of the household since she spends the most time there (Titus 2:3-5; 1Tim 5:14). [What are we to say about moms who are not at home? Who then is really raising up the children? Whoever spends the most time with the children is raising up the children.] 

 

A cold and frigid mom; dry and expressionless will cause the children to crave attention from anywhere they can get it. They will be raised distant, careless and un-emotive – unresponsive to others; or emotionally challenged – unable to deal with people and relationships. A hot mother – aggressive, angry and frantic; will also repel the children and raise them to be hot-tempered, rude, insecure and unable to deal with the pressures and challenges of life and relationships. Think about how children in these two extremes will respond to God’s calling when adults, or deal with others in the church if they accept God’s calling as adults.

 

The mother is the one who will mostly affect the emotional stability and temperament (disposition, character, personality, temper, spirit, behavior) of her childrena dn even her household,, including her husband. The wife of noble character (Prov 31:10-31), who receives blessings from her children and praise from her husband (verse 28) does so because she’s an excellent thermostat! A thermostat regulates (controls) temperature (temperaments)! How so?

 

&   She sets a moral example (verses 12, 15, 20, 23)

&   She is full of wisdom and instruction (verses 26, 27) Instruction will not catch on unless there are examples to back them up

&   She manages the temperament of her household well (verses 27, 28)

&   Mom can be a mood setter when her focus is on the Lord and when her husband provides for her as Jesus does for the church.

&   Mom’s incredible patience and grace can absorb frustrations, deflect anger and settle indifferences amongst the children with the right attitude and training strategy

 

For more on the wife of noble character see my outline here.

 

The opposite of a permissive style of parenting is an authoritarian style, which is inflexible, abusive and just as dangerous as the permissive one. This excessive disciplinarian style is identified with the fathers, just as the permissive style was identified with the mothers. Any idea why you think that is?

 

Eph 6:4 NIV Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.

 

V      Exasperate: (provoke – ESV, ASV, KJV, NAS, RV, embitter – GW) To exasperate means to anger, enrage, provoke to wrath, embitter. Exasperation comes from being controlling, focused on yourself and focused on your worldly affairs – not by being humble, tender and inspiring. This is why the instruction is given specifically to the father, since the mother is instinctively more tender, mindful and mild with the children.

V      Bring them up: (nurture – ASV, RV) rear up to maturity, that is, to cherish or train: nourish. This is similar to the Hebrew chanak in Prov 22:6, which means to train up, to narrow. The Father’s training is compared to nourishment – inspiration; this implies constructiveness, not destructive behavior like anger, wrath, bitterness or callousness will cause. The father needs to watch his temperament – walking closely with the Spirit to be bale to bear constructive fruit for himself and his household.

V      Training: (nurture – KJV, discipline – ESV, NAS, GW, chastisement – ASV, RV) tutorage, that is, education or training; by implication disciplinary correction: - chastening (to correct by punishment or reproof; to restrain, subdue; to rid of excess or purify), chastisement (to punish by beating; rebuke), instruction, nurture. Training implies forming good habits and discouraging bad habits. Training involves example, instruction and rebuke (this is where the rod plays a role). Without tender and consistent training, you will exasperate your children.

V      Instruction: (admonition – KJV, ASV) calling attention to, that is, (by implication) mild rebuke or warning: - admonition. Without setting a good example in yourself, your instruction will be hollow and exasperating. Without setting a good example your training and instruction will be met with bitterness and opposition.

 

It becomes necessary for us parents to live balanced lives in Christ – that our relations with our children become satisfying both to them and us so that our instruction and training bear eternal fruit:

 

Psa 92:12-15 NIV  The righteous will flourish like a palm tree, they will grow like a cedar of Lebanon;  13  planted in the house of the LORD, they will flourish in the courts of our God.  14  They will still bear fruit in old age, they will stay fresh and green,  15 proclaiming, "The LORD is upright; he is my Rock, and there is no wickedness in him."

 

V      Not having this balance will drive us to choose an extremist style of parenting which will provoke our children to anger and bitterness.

 

V      Reprimand (punishment) without discipline (training) does not bear good fruit and causes rebellion. It is a mark of lazy and misleading parenting.

 

The reason this verse in Eph 6:4 is directed to fathers is because they generally are less involved in the day to day rearing of their children, especially when they are young, which are the formative years of the child’s conscience and temperament. Because they are at work and spend less tie at home, fathers need to establish a deep koinonia (loving relationship, companionship, communion) with their children:

 

R     Spend as much time with them as possible! Don’t turn them away when you are home but engage them as oppose to having them engage you most of the time.

R     Spend your time communing with them, playing with them and relating to them at their level – conversing about their experiences, feelings and opinions. Don’t let your time with them be spent mostly on correcting and rebuking them.

R     Care must be taken to spend instructional and relation time with your children equally. They will value your instruction and training if you’ve related to them and established trusting and loving bonds.

 

It is important to note that the father is also responsible for managing his entire household as implied by 1Tim 3:12. This involves loving his wife as Christ loved the church and bringing up his children in the training and instruction of the Lord (Eph 6:4). As easy way to remember our responsibilities and the scope of our influence is this:

 

The wife’s temperament (disposition) is a good indicator of how well the marriage is going (reflecting upon the husband’s duties) and the children’s temperament is a good indicator of how well the household is managed (reflective upon the parent’s duties). So even though the children’s temperament is a direct reflection upon mom, it ultimately reflects upon dad doubly – by both the mom’s and the children’s temperament.

 

Styles of Parenting

 

Permissive - These parents are quick to give in to a child's demands and allow him more freedom than he may be ready for. They believe in a democratic way (majority rules) of handling household decisions and affairs. Although this style may be in vogue and may seem to be right, it is dangerous and nothing short of abuse of freedom. These parents may even allow a small child to make important decisions that should be the adult’s responsibility – such as which nursery school he will attend or who his friends should be or what kind of punishment should be inflicted on him. Some permissive parents simply don't care enough to make the appropriate demands on their child. Others don't really know any better or have been spooked by well meaning but ignorant psychologists, doctors or teachers. Permissive parents have delegated their responsibility of training not to their children, as they might think, but to the baby sitter, the school board, drug pushers, criminal elements, Police Department and the juvenile authorities (courts). These lack the God-given commission and influence to bring up your child in the training and instruction of the Lord.

 

Authoritarian - At the other extreme are authoritarian parents who make inflexible rules that leave no room for negotiation. The child is expected to conform to the parent’s image in everything from behavior and appearance to after-school activities and eventually, career choice. If the child falls short, he's punished – either physically, emotionally or psychologically through the threat of losing something of value or the parent's love or both. Such are the demands exacted on children of authoritarian parenting that they are pushed out of them home and into a careless and godless society. Authoritarian parents are dictators, leaving no room for godly instruction in love and inspiration, but squashing any form of nurturing and gentleness in their instruction. Although authoritarian parents may think they are being godly, scoffing at any “mamby-pamby”, “milk toast” form of child rearing that might not be similar to theirs; they have actually invited Satan and his demons to take over their household, where fear and domination are the rule of the day.

 

Authoritative (Autocratic) - These parents have the most well-adjusted children and the most satisfying relationship with them. These parents are both flexible and structured. They are highly involved with and observant of their children. Because of this, they have a strong understanding of what their children are capable of, what makes them unique and which expectations are realistic. These parents communicate effectively and respectfully but don't spoil their children – resulting in respect and admiration from their children as well. These parents are sensitive to their children. They listen carefully and hear and acknowledge the child's point of view. They show warmth and affection. They are quick to hug, express delight and tell their children how much they enjoy their company. Their instruction is gentle, inspiring and backed up by airtight examples and habits. They acknowledge their children's accomplishments in specific and encouraging ways. Their children call them blessed and praise them.

 

Often you may see a mix of these. One parent may be authoritative and the other permissive, always replying: “Go ask your mother/father about it”. That’s OK as long as the child and the mother understand that the father is ultimately held accountable by God. If the father is always delegating his authority then the couple needs to work more closely together to present a unite front so their authority is not breached. Usually the parent with the permissive tendency will be the one to allow the breach to happen. When a breach happens children will exploit it! If one parent is authoritarian then that household will be suffering, just like an entire country can suffer under dictatorial rule. Being the head of the house does not mean you are the dictator! It is extremely important to present a united front of autocracy (ô [awe] -tkr-s) to the children. This means that the parental unit is to have the final word always.

 

Which one do you think is God’s style of parenting? The Scriptures teach us that to be an autocratic parent we must bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord. Scriptures must permeate all we teach our children:

 

2Ti 3:14-15 NIV  But as for you, continue in what you have learned and have become convinced of, because you know those from whom you learned it,  15  and how from infancy you have known the holy Scriptures, which are able to make you wise for salvation through faith in Christ Jesus.

 

Our instruction must be based on the Sacred Scriptures. These make our children wise for salvation at the proper time, when accompanied by suitable instruction. Our rod and our staff (training and instruction) will be comforting to them and we will prepare them for the comfort of the rod and the staff of the Lord (Psalm 23:4).

 

What is the goal of our instruction and training (discipline)?

 

Eph 6:1 Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.

Col 3:20 Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord.

 

Heb 12:9-10 NIV  Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of our spirits and live!  10  Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness.

 

1-     When children learn to obey your instructions, they will learn to obey the Father of their souls and live.

2-     Your children will manage to be successful in the way God has assigned them. (Prov 22:6)

3-     They will share in God’s holiness.

 

HOW TO TRAIN (DISCIPLINE)

 

Training begins as soon as they understand “Yes” and “No” the most basic communication tools of training and instruction (around 6 months of age). Let me repeat, if you train your child consistently with a rod from this early age you will need to use it less and less as the child matures. Failure to use the rod will result in more and more frustration as the years go by. I am speaking generally of course. There may be some children that will never need a rod, but by and large the rod plays a major role in the training of infants and young children. The parents who use it as the Scriptures teach love their children and will be blessed.

 

As we saw in Prov 29:15, the use of a disciplinary tool, the rod of correction, is necessary:

 

Pro 13:24  He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him.

 

Rod: Hebrew “shebet”; a stick or switch (for punishing, writing, fighting, ruling, walking, etc.); dart, rod, scepter, staff. In the context of it being used for discipline it is referring to the shoot or long twig or switch of any woody plant; a branch, or the stem of a shrub; as a rod of hazle, of birch, of oak or hickory.

 

We must not spare the rod. To spare the rod is

 

If you love your son you will use it carefully in training him. Notice how the rod and training are closely associated. Using the rod without training is tantamount to abuse. The rod is a tool for training (discipline).

 

Why use a rod?

 

Pro 22:15 Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline will drive it far from him.

 

Folly (godlessness-NT (Mat 5:22), silliness) that is bound up in the heart:

R     Disobedience

R     Laziness

R     Carelessness

R     Disrespect

R     Anger

 

Only the rod will be able to drive these out:

R     Not nice words

R     Not a dissertation

R     Not a reward

R     Not a time-out

 

For all you faint of heart take note of this next verse and be bold:

 

Pro 23:13-14 Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you punish him with the rod, he will not die. Punish him with the rod and save his soul from death.

 

As if it were not enough, the Lord through Solomon’s wisdom emphasizes the importance the rod has in training. Notice how discipline and the rod are used interchangeably here implying its use in training. Withholding it from your training is tantamount to hating your child, since the rod can save his souls from death! We will talk about how to use this rod effectively, without fear of killing or hurting your child. Solomon’s play on words here show that withholding the rod is what can cause your child to die as opposed to using it, which may cause some to think you’re going to kill him!

 

Pro 19:18 NIV Discipline your son, for in that there is hope; do not be a willing party to his death.

 

Discipline must be done in hope, not in anger or resentment – certainly not in hate. Those who have given up training have given up hope. Those who withhold the rod withhold hope and life from their children.

 

Pro 29:15 The rod of correction imparts wisdom, but a child left to himself (who gets his own way – NASB) disgraces his mother.

 

How and When to Use the Rod

 

As you see in these verses, the instruction and discipline must be accompanied by the rod. Even though I have replaced the rod at times with other instruments, the Scriptures mention the rod explicitly and I think I have discovered why. We began with the use of a wooden spoon and then used a wide leather strap. We stuck with the rod, although it is sometimes hard to get a good one and you have to replace them often because they get dried up and brittle. A nice green, thin and flexible rod causes sufficient stinging without leaving permanent marks on the body. Remember that the object is to cause pain, not to hurt them physically. Wooden spoons can break and a splinter can hurt and even cause an infection. Leather straps can cause lesions and discolorations. Being that you want to be careful of attracting the attention of ignorant physicians, school authorities or other caregivers, you should use the rod instead of anything else, including your hands.

 

Where to apply the rod?

God gave us two big lumps of fat and muscle on our behinds/buttocks for this purpose. Thighs and legs are also good targets because they are away from the face/head. If you are going to hit the arms the child may swerve and you will end up hitting their face/eyes. Their hands are also very delicate and if you hit them you could hurt or break some bones. Some of you may think it is inconvenient to spank (To slap on the buttocks with a flat object or with the open hand, as for punishment. I don’t like this definition because it implies the use of the hands.) their buttocks, but the use of the rod should always be an elaborate and structured event, as opposed to a hasty and careless one.

 

Careless and hasty use of the rod can result in physical abuse. This happens when punishment is never accompanied by proper discipline (training). If you consistently discipline your child, you seldom have to punish with the rod. Parents who have to punish and chastise their children often, do so with frustration since there may be little or no discipline involved. This can cause the punishment (chastisement) to go to extremes resulting in physical and/or emotional abuse.

 

Hitting in anger/frustration will cause your children to be exasperated and resentful. It can also cause you to use excessive force or other instruments of chastisement, like your hands, that can physically hurt your child.

 

There are four steps in the structured (autocratic) use of the rod: The Chastening Event

 

  1. Announce
    1. When disobedience, defiance or disrespect occurs, announce to your child that he will be reprimanded with the rod.
    2. Tell them you will now have to use the rod to help him realize the offensive act will not be tolerated.
    3. If the offense occurred privately, then announce it to him only, in private. If the offense was public (meaning in the eyes of your other children as well), then announce it in public. That way the other children will take heed.
  2. Prepare
    1. Go get the rod.

                                                               i.      If you are the guardian of the rod then go get it and bring it to the presence of the child.

                                                             ii.      If your child is old enough you may want him to go get the rod, whether it is in your garden on a bush or wherever you keep it.

    1. Go to a private place (the child’s room, or another empty room), whether the offense was public or private.
    2. Tell the child again that you will be administering discipline because of the offensive behavior. Make sure you are specific about why you are administering the discipline.
    3. During the preparation and administration of the punishment there should be no negotiation or exchange. Any attempt to usurp your direction or disrespect you should increase the offense for which he will be disciplined. This process should all be controlled by the parent who is administering the discipline and should not be interrupted or negotiated by the spouse or another adult present. It is a sacred event.
  1. Administer
    1. The force and repetition of the use of the rod should match the degree of the offense.
    2. Choose to apply the rod to the bare buttocks or the thighs/leg.

                                                               i.      If I have to apply some heavy lickings, I always choose the bare buttocks. They bear the burden better. I will apply the rod three of four times swiftly and firmly.

                                                             ii.      When the offense is not too high, I may choose to apply the rod to the legs once or twice, making sure it stings.

    1. You will know if you applied the rod correctly because there will be crying and remorse on the part of the child.

                                                               i.      If the child did not cry, he was not broken down and you did not succeed. It is important to understand this. Repeat your licking firmly and swiftly.

                                                             ii.      If the child screamed in opposition, but did not cry or sob in sign of remorse then you did not succeed. Repeat your licking firmly and swiftly.

                                                            iii.      For the rod to drive the folly far from the heart of the child it has to break down the stubbornness and obtuseness of the folly. The spirit of disobedience must be broken down and it will happen with pain. That’s the point of the rod – to inflict pain they can remember.

    1. You will also know you have applied the rod correctly because you yourself feel the pain of having to do this. If you are enjoying yourself or if you are angrily doing this, you are not applying the rod successfully and could endanger your child and yourself. A parent who uses the rod despite feeling he doesn’t want to do it, but does it because he loves his son and wants to save him from death will apply the rod correctly and successfully.
  1. Encourage
    1. Ask the child if he understood why you had to punish him.
    2. Ask the child if he will obey mommy and daddy.
    3. Tell the child what you expect from him now that you will bring him back out.
    4. Bring the child back to where the offense occurred and see if the lesson was learned.
    5. If the offense is repeated go back to the room and apply the rod again. You may sometimes need to do this more than twice! Be prepared and resolute!

 

Sometimes you may not have the time or convenience to go through this whole process of applying the rod. Sometimes you need to put your child in line quickly, at the store or in the car or at church services. What I am about to explain will only work if your use of the rod as previously described has been successful. If you have not successfully used the rod this quick wake up call may not work. Here it is in order of severity:

 

V      A stern look

V      A word of warning. If the warning is not heeded you can promise a full chastening event when you get home. You will not then need to resort to any of these other things listed here. Just watch and if any other offenses occur keep them listed and disclose them at home along with the applying of the rod. This will not work with very young kids who will forget why they are getting reprimanded when they get home. With young kids you need to get their attention immediately by increasing the attention getter.

V      A firm tap on the head, upper arm or leg, or a light pinch on the upper arm or leg, or flicking the ear should get their attention in a jiffy.

V      If all these fail you may need to find a private place to have a chastening event.

 

Examples of how to implement routine discipline with an infant for the purpose of behavior shaping:

 

1-     Using “no” and “yes” (around 6 months of age) to train them to listen and obey.

a.       Place the infant on your lap and put two objects before them. Make one of them an object you don’t want them to touch and the other one an object which is OK for them to touch, like a favorite toy.

b.      They will most likely reach out for the object that seems very attractive and unfamiliar to them. They love to explore! But we must set boundaries.

                                                               i.      When they stretch out their little hands towards the object gently and firmly say “no”! If they hesitate, they have understood you. Most likely they won’t if it is your first time and they will touch it or grab it. At that point you will say “no” again and accompany your instruction with a light swapping or tapping on their leg.

1.      The tapping should be firm enough to cause a slight sting but not too hard to make the baby cry. You are only trying to get his attention.

2.      If the baby was startled or looks like he’s going to cry that’s fine. Some babies are more sensitive than others.

                                                             ii.      Take the object from them and give them the object they can use and say “yes”.

c.       You can use this method:

                                                               i.      To set boundaries for your child at home: Homeproofing your child as opposed to childproofing your home. It is still a good idea to be safe and place breakable things or small objects out if his reach, amongst other things.

                                                             ii.      To teach him to obey you and trust you

                                                            iii.      To teach him to respond to your command

2-     Training him to sleep on his own at bed time

a.       Also doable by the time they understand “yes” and “no” (around 6 months of age).

b.      It is important to get the infant into a routine where he goes to bed at the same time every day.

c.       Make the routine predictable:

                                                               i.      Start with a warm bath

                                                             ii.      Give the infant his last bottle of milk

                                                            iii.      Brush his teeth

                                                           iv.      Sing a song/read a book

                                                             v.      Pray

                                                           vi.      Tuck him in bed

d.      Leave the child to himself after turning off the light

e.       If the child begins crying ignore it (unless you think it is an emergency) for about 5 minutes

f.        If the child continues to cry (complain) you go in the room and let him know it is time for sleep and gently tuck him back into bed.

                                                               i.      If he resists force him down to a sleeping position.

                                                             ii.      If he continues resisting proceed with a chastisement event right there in his bed.

                                                            iii.      If he complies but continues to cry/complain leave the room again

                                                           iv.      You may need to continue doing this, increasing the amount of time you go back to the room by 5 minutes each time if this is your first time trying this.

g.       The first time shaping this sleeping behavior is very difficult for many parents since it requires much patience, but if you are consistent and firm you will be blessed with a compliant child soon.

3-     Behavior Shaping - Conditioning

a.       A structured environment is paramount for training a child to be obedient and successful in the way he should go.

b.      Contingent explanations are the most beneficial

                                                               i.      “You can play (positive) after you finish your meal”

                                                             ii.      Establish the statements positively – positive reinforcement

                                                            iii.      Always give them the choice between two things

                                                           iv.      Be specific about what you want from them

                                                             v.      “You can choose to play nicely with your friend or you can go to your room and play there by yourself.”

                                                           vi.      “We can go to the park if you behave yourself and obey mommy at the doctor’s office”

                                                          vii.      Give if - then statements

                                                        viii.      “If you don’t stop complaining then you will get a spanking when we get home.”

c.       It is very important to speak clearly and gently, but firmly.

d.      You are the parent, there should be no negotiations when you have decided to do something, especially if you are carrying out a promise (threat) you made.

e.       This is why your promises (threats) should be simply and doable at the moment. Don’t make empty threats or impossible promises you are not able to comply with at any given moment. It will reduce your authority and credibility.

f.        Establish routines for what to do when he gets up in the morning

                                                               i.      Using the toilet

                                                             ii.      Brushing the teeth

                                                            iii.      Getting his bottle

                                                           iv.      Reading a book/singing a sing

                                                             v.      Praying

                                                           vi.      Learning/playing

                                                          vii.      Chores

g.       Establish and shape mealtime behaviors

                                                               i.      Everyone is expected at the table for a meal

                                                             ii.      We pray first

                                                            iii.