THE COMPATIBILITY LIST
This is an example of my list:
| 1. PHYSICAL STYLE Appearance Eating habits Fitness habits Hygiene |
EXAMPLES Proportionate, strait or curly hair Well balanced meals, likes ethnicExercises regularlyNo drugs or alcohol Takes care of clothing Keeps body and teeth clean |
| 2. EMOTIONAL STYLE Romantic AffectionateExpresses feelings Treats me with respect Emotionally well-balanced Christ-centered Relationship |
EXAMPLES Makes romantic gestures Always very affectionate Expresses feelings easily Supportive of me and my dreams Does not waver in commitments Sentimental about special occasions Proud of me and shows it Faithful and devoted to Jesus first |
| 3. SOCIAL STYLE Soul winner Sensitive to issues Warm, kind & friendly Ministry oriented Sense of humor |
EXAMPLES Is concerned about reaching the lost Sophisticated in her approach Likes to play and be light Glorifies God in her interactions Down to earth, practical |
| 4. INTELLECTUAL STYLE Educational background Loves to learn Interested in Culture Well Informed Creative |
EXAMPLES Well-educated/college + Likes learning new things Interested in cultural things Interested in world events Approaches the Bible intellectually Enjoys deep discussions about spiritual issues and current events |
| 5. SEXUAL STYLE Well rounded attitude Uses sex as tool, not goal Is able to discover and enjoy new things Is pleased with her/my body |
EXAMPLES Will enjoy frequent sex Sensitive, skilled lover Very sensual/seductive Likes to cuddle Easily aroused No hang-ups |
| 6. COMMUNICATION STYLE Articulate Enjoys well-balanced discussion Doesn’t play guessing games Assertive Active Listener |
EXAMPLES Knows how to express herself Good writer/sends cards/poems Takes feedback well Willing to discuss problems as soon as they ariseDoesn’t keep things bottled up A good Listener |
| 7. PROFESSIONAL/FINANCIAL STYLE Well organized and accurate Thankful to God Kingdom Minded Complacent and satisfied Ministry-minded Serving attitude (Service oriented) Doesn’t worry about money or things |
EXAMPLES Financially responsible Hard worker Ambitious in the Kingdom of God Generous & hospitable Enjoys good things in life Honest and ethical Always looking to share and provide Looks to other’s needs first |
| 8. PERSONAL GROWTH STYLE Committed to learning about self Seeks counsel and mentorship Is submissive and self-corrective Is able to see own shortcomings Willingness to work on relationship |
EXAMPLES Reads books on spiritual growth Attends seminars Loves Bible study (Quiet Times) Committed to praying Enjoys discussing growth Makes concrete changes |
| 9. SPIRITUAL STYLE Fears, believes & loves God Faithful to assemblies Filled with Hope and peace Pure in morality Blameless character integrity |
EXAMPLES Believes God Enjoys meditating on Word and prayer Submissive/open to rebuke + correction Optimistic outlook on life Compassionate towards the less fortunateRespecter of all living things Bases her character training on Jesus’ |
| 10.INTERESTS AND HOBBIES Enjoys new experiences Open to traveling/mission work Likes to sing/enjoys music Enjoys leisure time Has worthwhile interests |
EXAMPLES Enjoys traveling/visiting family Enjoys good & worthwhile music Enjoys varied entertainment (concerts, plays, theatre) Peppers schedule with frequent rest |
THE COMPATIBILITY FORMULA
Notice there were ten categories on the Compatibility List. Under each category, I listed at least four items that are important to me in each category. I also gave an example of each item in each category. These examples are for your guidance. Remember that the more complete your Compatibility List is, the more accurate the Compatibility Formula will be. Therefore, make sure you've written down at least four or five items you want under each category.
1. Assign a point value to each item on your list, based on how much of that desired quality or behavior your partner possesses or displays.
5 points -- Almost Always
4 points -- Frequently
3 points -- Sometimes
2 points -- Occasionally
1 point -- Rarely or Never
2. At the end of each section, calculate the possible score, and your partner's actual score. To determine the possible score, multiply the number of items in that category by 5 points. Example: if you listed 9 items under Emotional Style, multiply by 5 for a perfect possible score of 45 points. To determine your partner's actual score, simply add up the number of points you wrote next to each item.
3. Divide the possible score into the actual score to reveal the percentage of compatibility your partner is giving you in each category. Example: your partner's possible score under Emotional Style was 45; his actual score was 35. Divide 45 into 35 = 77% compatibility.
4. Add up all ten categories to arrive at a total possible score. Then add up the actual score to arrive at your partner's total actual score. Divide your partner's total actual score by the total possible score to get a total compatibility percentage. Example: your partner's total possible score was 230; his total actual score was 197. Divide 230 into 197 = 85% compatibility.
INTERPRETING YOUR TOTAL COMPATIBILITY PERCENTAGE
80 – 100% COMPATIBILITY:
You and your partner are highly compatible. There is enough overall resonance in values, habits, behaviors and goals to create consistent harmony and enjoyment between you. Naturally, there will be areas of less compatibility. Notice in which categories your partner scored a lower percentage. These will probably be the areas of greatest conflict in your relationship, and the topics you fight about the most!
The areas in which you and your partner experience the greatest conflict in your relationship will be your greatest teachers. Partners with 80%+ compatibility usually have one or two major learning areas. The rest of their strong compatibility gives the relationship a firm foundation upon which to work through the weaker areas.
Remember that you may use the Compatibility Formula throughout a relationship. For example, You can score your partner twice--once for how he was when you first met, and once for how she is now. You can become more compatible over time, and use your learning areas to stretch yourselves into a more loving, caring partnership. J
70 - 79% COMPATIBILITY:
This relationship is partially compatible, with some significant areas of incompatibility that are producing conflict and discomfort for both partners. If you score your mate in this percentage level, you're probably feeling confused and torn about whether your partner is suitable for you or not. Your dilemma is understandable. You're very compatible in some areas, and very incompatible in others. This does not necessarily mean you need to end the relationship. It does mean you need to communicate honestly with your partner about those areas in which you aren't happy, and hopefully agree on a plan of action you can both take to remedy the situation. A further complication might be that you may not have enough of a foundation to fight off the destructive effects of fatal flaws and compatibility time bombs.
Stop making excuses. If your relationship is enough of a distraction now, time will only make the situation worse, not better. You might consider working with me on more objective practicals (or with your discipler) to help you focus on the problem areas and transform them into powerful learning experiences. If your partner refuses to participate in improving the relationship, you may need to face the fact that you're not with the helper suitable for you.
O - 69% COMPATIBILITY:
You are most likely not in a relationship with the right person for you. You may feel you love your partner. You may even have years of history together, but you aren't resonating in enough areas to create a consistently loving, enjoyable partnership. You've probably developed a high tolerance for tension, conflict, struggle loneliness and pain, because you haven't been getting what you want and you’re hoping it will be coming at some time--and yet you're still in the same situation. I know it's painful to hear these words, but if you're honest with yourself, you'll realize you've been secretly feeling this way for a while. The fact is that this relationship is causing you more unhappiness than happiness—more distraction from God, than focus on God. With these many distraction the relationship can slowly become self-centered rather than God-centered.
These categories aren't set in stone. They are simply general comments on what has been found to be true much of the time. They help us set up a framework from which we can objectively count the cost for this important decision!
Adapted from Barbara De Angelis’ Compatibility List, Copyright ©1992 by Barbara De Angelis, Ph.D.
Modified by Pedro Gelabert for use in the Koinonia Workshop, 1997.