1. You care more about your partner than they about you: When you are more interested in what your partner does and thinks than they seem to be interested in you, you are probably in this type of relationship. Carefully observe how much time you are investing in the relationship as opposed to how much time the other person seems to want to invest. If everything that you do with your partner seems to be initiated by you, then you may very well be in this relationship.
2. Your partner cares about you more than you care about them: This is the reverse situation of Type #1.
3. You are in love with your partner’s potential: You love what your partner could be, or should be; not who they really are at the moment. People who love projects sometimes make projects out of people. They are the rescuers we had mentioned before. This relationship won’t work because it is a one-sided project or work.
4. You are on a rescue mission, not a relationship: You have assumed a parental role with your partner. You feel guilty if you leave the relationship and you misinterpret that guilt or pity you feel for love. You mistake sympathy for love. Because you feel something you think it’s love, but it’s not. Unless you are absolutely proud of your partner for who they are at the moment, then you are trying to rescue them from themselves. They need to be motivated by themselves, not you. If your partner has not done anything for him or herself and just sucks you dry of emotion then you should quit your rescue mission and give an ultimatum. It will be hard to stand by the ultimatum but you must.
5. You look up to your partner as a role model: Perhaps you put your partner on a pedestal and think you can’t live without them. This is the reverse of Type #4. You are the person being rescued in this case. Since you put your partner on a pedestal you prevent the relationship from being an equal sharing experience. There needs to be assertiveness on each part and confidence on each part equally. There needs to be admiration on each part and trust on each part. If you are being babied then your partner does not trust you.
6. You are infatuated with your partner for external reasons: Perhaps you are fascinated by your partner’s hair, eyes, body or talent. Maybe you just like how your partner looks and you need to have that something for yourself. Now it’s a quest for ownership of that particular something you want from your partner. You are mistaking your infatuation for interest in the person. This has little to do with the person’s character or personality. Just ask yourself honestly, if the person didn’t have that external property, would you still be interested?
7. Partial Compatibility: Just because you think you have a special connection with the person doesn’t mean you have good compatibility. Developing great harmony in one area of your relationship may actually cause blindness towards other areas that are actually in great disarray. You need to look at each area objectively to justify your overall compatibility.
8. Choosing a Partner in order to be Rebellious: Perhaps you’re in a relationship because you are rebelling against your parents, your peers, authority, or your concept of normalcy. Maybe you just want to be different for now, experience what you’ve never experienced before. You may be convinced, in your new state of "open-mindedness", that these new things are the best for you, even though you’ve never experienced them before. Unfortunately, you may be deceived by your lack of experience. Remember that relationships are about knowing people—their character, integrity and compatibility they may have with you. You may be more fascinated by the newness of the experience than by the person in the relationship. Perhaps the person is a foreigner, of a different race, social status or economic position. Another consideration: perhaps you fell for this person because you were in a new situation; like a new job, vacation, or place.
9. Choosing a Partner as a Reaction to a Previous One: This can also be a special case of Type #8. Perhaps you just got out of a relationship and the partner you have or are considering is the exact opposite of the one you had. Be careful that you are not unconsciously staying away from what reminds you of former relationships that left you with a negative taste. Judge the relationship by the person, not the situations. Perhaps you are still grieving over the former relationship and you need some time to yourself to sober up. You will be judging on superficial things as opposed to character. If this is happening you have not thoroughly separated yourself from your previous relationship.
10. Your Partner is not Available: Make sure your partner can be there for you. Attempting to have a relationship with someone who is either married, committed to another in the heart or in the mind, engaged or grieving over a deceased spouse or a broken relationship will result in a love triangle. A love triangle can never produce intimacy since the attention is being divided. Love triangles can arise when your partner is caught up in another relationship or addiction.

(Matthew 11:28-30 NAS) "Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. "Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. "For My yoke is easy and My burden is light."

It is Jesus who teaches us how to deal with situations that can seem to be a burden. We need to submit to Him though, in order to find true rest (peace) in the way we work out our relationships. His way is easy and light. When we submit to His way, we are now ready to be redeemed and renewed by His Word and command, through our obedience to the Gospel (1Corinthans 15:1-4). Regeneration comes by the relationship we begin with God once we submit to Him in baptism:

(Romans 6:3-9 NIV) Or don't you know that all of us who were baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into his death? {4} We were therefore buried with him through baptism into death in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new life. {5} If we have been united with him like this in his death, we will certainly also be united with him in his resurrection. {6} For we know that our old self was crucified with him so that the body of sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves to sin-- {7} because anyone who has died has been freed from sin. {8} Now if we died with Christ, we believe that we will also live with him. {9} For we know that since Christ was raised from the dead, he cannot die again; death no longer has mastery over him.

The Apostle Paul speaks of this baptism in this next passage, and the role of the Holy Spirit that we receive in baptism (Acts 2:38):

(Titus 3:4-7 NIV) But when the kindness and love of God our Savior appeared, {5} he saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy. He saved us through the washing of rebirth and renewal by the Holy Spirit, {6} whom he poured out on us generously through Jesus Christ our Savior, {7} so that, having been justified by his grace, we might become heirs having the hope of eternal life.

(Titus 2:11-12 NIV) For the grace of God that brings salvation has appeared to all men. {12} It teaches us to say "No" to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age,

(1 John 4:18-19 NIV) There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. {19} We love because he first loved us.

(1 John 4:4 NIV) You, dear children, are from God and have overcome them, because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world.

(1 John 5:3-5 NIV) This is love for God: to obey his commands. And his commands are not burdensome, {4} for everyone born of God overcomes the world. This is the victory that has overcome the world, even our faith. {5} Who is it that overcomes the world? Only he who believes that Jesus is the Son of God.

1. Addictions: Addictions form love triangles. If your partner suffers from an addiction they will not be able to invest themselves in you because they are distracted by their addiction. Intimacy is compromised.
2. Anger: If the fruit of your relationship with someone is fear or tension and you feel like a hostage or out of control, then you are the victim of a relationship controlled by anger. Your partner may interpret advice or any other intimate move as unwanted probing into his/her life. They think you are attacking them. At this point they really are being the victim of their own anger, which renders them unable to be intimate and relational. 1 Corinthians 13:4 describes the first aspect of love as being patience. Without patience being practiced continuously, a relationship will not grow and remain stagnant.
3. Victim Consciousness: This fatal flaw is shown in an attitude that blames others for problems that happen in the victim’s life. They don’t seem to take responsibility for their own actions, and blame everyone for their failures and bad fruit that comes out of the "victim’s" interactions with others. They use pain to wield power over others, whether it is their health (emotional or physical), their "lack of benefits/resources" or their social/financial position. They see themselves as victims of circumstance and say "if I was in another environment things would be different". By making themselves the victim they manipulate the unsuspecting into bowing down to their choices and desires. They cannot be helped because they are not to blame, everyone else is. What you can do to help these people is to point out the common denominator in all their problematic relationships: them.
4. Control Freaks: Control Freaks usually show this fatal flaw combined with others, usually anger, or victim consciousness, etc. They just have to have things their way or they will feel like they are out of control. They usually make you feel you are under scrutiny or judgment, under the magnifying glass for no reason at all, but just because you are not bending to their ways. These control freaks are just the opposite of the victim conscious. They don’t want to show you any signs of vulnerability (weaknesses). They think it is weak to apologize or to be wrong. They need to always be right and proven right and vindicated, no matter what they have done. They play themselves as strong by being "in control", when in all reality they are out of control. By their fruit you will know them. They will generate friction in their relationships, especially when someone doesn’t bend their way. The motivation behind this is usually jealousy and selfish ambition. You can tell when you’re dealing with a control freak because they get easily upset when anyone doesn’t agree with them. They are also compulsive about their living habits and have pt peeves about particular ideas or ways of thinking.
5. Sexual dysfunction: Sexual dysfunction prevents intimacy from happening in a relationship because they produce "love triangles". The intimacy is compromised by the sexual hang-up of the person having this fatal flaw. Sexual dysfunction expresses itself in three different ways:
1. Sexual Addictions: When someone is obsessed and thinks that the only way they can satisfy their needs is with sexual fantasies, masturbation, pornography and other sexual related activities to meet their sexual hunger—they have traded a self-serving goal for a mutually satisfying relationship and fulfillment based on self-respect and self-control.
2. Lack of sexual integrity: The dysfunctional person is not loyal to the sexually monogamous relationship. There is flirting, inappropriate touching and comments to others that compromise the intimate sphere. There is a lot of ogling and comments sounding like "I’m just looking! Looking never hurt anybody!" However, we know Jesus said that looking is the beginning of adultery.
3. Sexual performance problems: Perhaps the person suffers from Impotence, premature ejaculation, fear/dislike of sex, fear of intimacy or touching, difficulty achieving orgasm, etc. Suppressed anger or rage prevents them from experiencing pleasure. They develop a sexual disinterest as opposed to facing these problems and developing an attitude to help them cope. They hang their validity on these functions they cannot perform instead of trying to get around them. They need a very understanding spouse to help them overcome this problem.
6. Peter Pan Syndrome: Irresponsibility marks the person’s ways. Particularly financial irresponsibility. You find yourself becoming a parent to this person as opposed to corroborating companionship. This type of unreliability keeps intimacy from developing. The partner usually becomes unmotivated after the newness wears away and undependable. Parenting the partners kills the passion of the relationships.
7. Emotional Unavailability: You find your partner lacks eagerness to love, frustrating the development of intimacy in the relationship. You feel like you have to pry them open. They seem not to trust, talk about their feelings or show emotions. They are emotionally blocked. You are not in a relationship if this is happening. It is an illusion.
8. Not Recovered From Past Relationship: Ask them how they feel about past relationships. If they haven't, this forms another love triangle that prevents intimacy from happening. There may be some unresolved anger, emotions or expectations from past relationships. They may be traumatized because of hurt, rejection or feelings of inadequacy. They may be in a relationship with you because of this. Relying on you for healing is no good. You will be used as a crutch and this will prevent intimacy from being developed. Feelings of pity and protection may deceive you into thinking that you are falling in love.
9. Emotional Damage from Childhood: Questions you will have to explore with your partner concerning this fatal flaw are:
1. Severity of the emotional damage.
2. Awareness of the effects on the relationship.
3. Is the person presently working on repairing this?

Knowing Who's Right for You

(Luke 12:16-21 NIV) And he told them this parable: "The ground of a certain rich man produced a good crop. {17} He thought to himself, 'What shall I do? I have no place to store my crops.' {18} "Then he said, 'This is what I'll do. I will tear down my barns and build bigger ones, and there I will store all my grain and my goods. {19} And I'll say to myself, "You have plenty of good things laid up for many years. Take life easy; eat, drink and be merry."' {20} "But God said to him, 'You fool! This very night your life will be demanded from you. Then who will get what you have prepared for yourself?' {21} "This is how it will be with anyone who stores up things for himself but is not rich toward God."

(Proverbs 12:1 NIV) Whoever loves discipline loves knowledge, but he who hates correction is stupid.

(2 Timothy 1:7 NIV) For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline.

(Leviticus 19:18 NIV) Do not seek revenge or bear a grudge against one of your people, but love your neighbor as yourself. I am the LORD.

(Matthew 22:37-40 NIV) Jesus replied: "'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' {38} This is the first and greatest commandment. {39} And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' {40} All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments."

(Galatians 5:13-14 NIV) You, my brothers, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the sinful nature; rather, serve one another in love. {14} The entire law is summed up in a single command: "Love your neighbor as yourself."

(Ephesians 4:16-19 NIV) From him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work. {17} So I tell you this, and insist on it in the Lord, that you must no longer live as the Gentiles do, in the futility of their thinking. {18} They are darkened in their understanding and separated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them due to the hardening of their hearts. {19} Having lost all sensitivity, they have given themselves over to sensuality so as to indulge in every kind of impurity, with a continual lust for more.

Spiritual warfare is a battle of the mind and of the heart. When you disregard the instruction of the Word and live by the passion of the flesh your heart becomes hardened to the truth. This causes ignorance because you refuse to heed the counsel of the Word. In turn, your understanding will darken (unable to tell right from wrong; twisted). End result? Separated from the life of God. At this point, if you continue giving in the Satan’s temptations you will loose all sensitivity (hardened even more, lack of sympathy, merciless) and indulge even more in the passions of the flesh. This is Satan's master plan of deception. This is the cycle he's going to try to catch you in. The results of this life are a mind filled with shame and guilt--a mind hostile to God's way. If something is not done about the shame and guilt the conscience becomes seared as with a hot iron. (1 Timothy 4:1,2) The temptation process is described in detail in James 1:13-14. Once caught in this vicious cycle, you will tolerate more and more sin. You will be addicted to it and deny that you are. You will indulge more and more in it, thinking that you're OK and that at any time you can get out of this vicious cycle, when in fact, you can't! You love it! You desire it!

(Ephesians 5:25-30 NIV) Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her {26} to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, {27} and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. {28} In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. {29} After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church-- {30} for we are members of his body.

(Ephesians 5:33 NIV) However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

1. Your partner takes pride in what he does. (Galatians 6:4)
2. Your partner doesn't abuse himself but takes good care of himself. (1 Corinthians 6:19)
3. Your partner doesn't allow others to abuse him. Doesn't allow other to take advantage of him. (Matthew 7:6)
4. He expresses self-confidence by taking action in his life. True self-esteem manifests itself in action. You can always spot someone with self-esteem because he's doing something. (2 Corinthians 13:5,6; James 2:14-18)

(Galatians 6:4 NIV) Each one should test his own actions. Then he can take pride in himself, without comparing himself to somebody else…

(1 Corinthians 6:19 NIV) Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own;

(Matthew 7:6 NIV) "Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and then turn and tear you to pieces.

(2 Corinthians 13:5-6 NIV) Examine yourselves to see whether you are in the faith; test yourselves. Do you not realize that Christ Jesus is in you--unless, of course, you fail the test? {6} And I trust that you will discover that we have not failed the test.

(James 2:14-18 NIV) What good is it, my brothers, if a man claims to have faith but has no deeds? Can such faith save him? {15} Suppose a brother or sister is without clothes and daily food. {16} If one of you says to him, "Go, I wish you well; keep warm and well fed," but does nothing about his physical needs, what good is it? {17} In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead. {18} But someone will say, "You have faith; I have deeds." Show me your faith without deeds, and I will show you my faith by what I do.