The Compatibility List

This is an example of my list:



Eating habits

Fitness habits



Proportionate, strait or curly hair

Well balanced meals, likes ethnicExercises regularlyNo drugs or alcohol

Takes care of clothing

Keeps body and teeth clean



AffectionateExpresses feelings

Treats me with respect

Emotionally well-balanced

Christ-centered Relationship


Makes romantic gestures

Always very affectionate

Expresses feelings easily

Supportive of me and my dreams

Does not waver in commitments

Sentimental about special occasions

Proud of me and shows it

Faithful and devoted to Jesus first


Soul winner

Sensitive to issues

Warm, kind & friendly

Ministry oriented

Sense of humor


Is concerned about reaching the lost

Sophisticated in her approach

Likes to play and be light

Glorifies God in her interactions

Down to earth, practical


Educational background

Loves to learn

Interested in Culture

Well Informed



Well-educated/college +

Likes learning new things

Interested in cultural things

Interested in world events

Approaches the Bible intellectually

Enjoys deep discussions about spiritual issues and current events


Well rounded attitude

Uses sex as tool, not goal

Is able to discover and enjoy new things

Is pleased with her/my body


Will enjoy frequent sex

Sensitive, skilled lover

Very sensual/seductive

Likes to cuddle

Easily aroused

No hang-ups



Enjoys well-balanced discussion

Doesn’t play guessing games


Active Listener


Knows how to express herself

Good writer/sends cards/poems

Takes feedback well

Willing to discuss problems as soon as they arise

Doesn’t keep things bottled up

A good Listener


Well organized and accurate

Thankful to God

Kingdom Minded

Complacent and satisfied


Serving attitude (Service oriented)

Doesn’t worry about money or things


Financially responsible

Hard worker

Ambitious in the Kingdom of God

Generous & hospitable

Enjoys good things in life

Honest and ethical

Always looking to share and provide

Looks to other’s needs first


Committed to learning about self

Seeks counsel and mentorship

Is submissive and self-corrective

Is able to see own shortcomings

Willingness to work on relationship


Reads books on spiritual growth

Attends seminars

Loves Bible study (Quiet Times)

Committed to praying

Enjoys discussing growth

Makes concrete changes


Fears, believes & loves God

Faithful to assemblies

Filled with Hope and peace

Pure in morality

Blameless character integrity


Believes God

Enjoys meditating on Word and prayer

Submissive/open to rebuke + correction

Optimistic outlook on life

Compassionate towards the less fortunate

Respecter of all living things

Bases her character training on Jesus’


Enjoys new experiences

Open to traveling/mission work

Likes to sing/enjoys music

Enjoys leisure time

Has worthwhile interests


Enjoys traveling/visiting family

Enjoys good & worthwhile music

Enjoys varied entertainment

(concerts, plays, theatre)

Peppers schedule with frequent rest



Notice there were ten categories on the Compatibility List. Under each category, I listed at least four items that are important to me in each category. I also gave an example of each item in each category. These examples are for your guidance. Remember that the more complete your Compatibility List is, the more accurate the Compatibility Formula will be. Therefore, make sure you've written down at least four or five items you want under each category.

1. Assign a point value to each item on your list, based on how much of that desired quality or behavior your partner possesses or displays.

5 points — Almost Always

4 points — Frequently

3 points — Sometimes

2 points — Occasionally

1 point — Rarely or Never

2. At the end of each section, calculate the possible score, and your partner's actual score. To determine the possible score, multiply the number of items in that category by 5 points. Example: if you listed 9 items under Emotional Style, multiply by 5 for a perfect possible score of 45 points. To determine your partner's actual score, simply add up the number of points you wrote next to each item.

3. Divide the possible score into the actual score to reveal the percentage of compatibility your partner is giving you in each category. Example: your partner's possible score under Emotional Style was 45; his actual score was 35. Divide 45 into 35 = 77% compatibility.

4. Add up all ten categories to arrive at a total possible score. Then add up the actual score to arrive at your partner's total actual score. Divide your partner's total actual score by the total possible score to get a total compatibility percentage. Example: your partner's total possible score was 230; his total actual score was 197. Divide 230 into 197 = 85% compatibility.




You and your partner are highly compatible. There is enough overall resonance in values, habits, behaviors and goals to create consistent harmony and enjoyment between you. Naturally, there will be areas of less compatibility. Notice in which categories your partner scored a lower percentage. These will probably be the areas of greatest conflict in your relationship, and the topics you fight about the most!

The areas in which you and your partner experience the greatest conflict in your relationship will be your greatest teachers. Partners with 80%+ compatibility usually have one or two major learning areas. The rest of their strong compatibility gives the relationship a firm foundation upon which to work through the weaker areas.

Remember that you may use the Compatibility Formula throughout a relationship. For example, You can score your partner twice–once for how he was when you first met, and once for how she is now. You can become more compatible over time, and use your learning areas to stretch yourselves into a more loving, caring partnership. J


This relationship is partially compatible, with some significant areas of incompatibility that are producing conflict and discomfort for both partners. If you score your mate in this percentage level, you're probably feeling confused and torn about whether your partner is suitable for you or not. Your dilemma is understandable. You're very compatible in some areas, and very incompatible in others. This does not necessarily mean you need to end the relationship. Itdoes mean you need to communicate honestly with your partner about those areas in which you aren't happy, and hopefully agree on a plan of action you can both take to remedy the situation. A further complication might be that you may not have enough of a foundation to fight off the destructive effects of fatal flaws and compatibility time bombs.

Stop making excuses. If your relationship is enough of a distraction now, time will only make the situation worse, not better. You might consider working with me on more objective practicals (or with your discipler) to help you focus on the problem areas and transform them into powerful learning experiences. If your partner refuses to participate in improving the relationship, you may need to face the fact that you're not with the helper suitable for you.


You are most likely not in a relationship with the right person for you. You may feel you love your partner. You may even have years of history together, but you aren't resonating in enough areas to create a consistently loving, enjoyable partnership. You've probably developed a high tolerance for tension, conflict, struggle loneliness and pain, because you haven't been getting what you want and you’re hoping it will be coming at some time–and yet you're still in the same situation. I know it's painful to hear these words, but if you're honest with yourself, you'll realize you've been secretly feeling this way for a while. The fact is that this relationship is causing you more unhappiness than happiness—more distraction from God, than focus on God. With these many distraction the relationship can slowly become self-centered rather than God-centered.

These categories aren't set in stone. They are simply general comments on what has been found to be true much of the time. They help us set up a framework from which we can objectively count the cost for this important decision!

Adapted from Barbara De Angelis’ Compatibility List, Copyright ©1992 by Barbara De Angelis, Ph.D.

Modified by Pedro Gelabert for use in the Koinonia Workshop, 1997.

During these stressful times, we want to offer our prayers and encouragement to any who are interested. Our leaders are available to help, please let us know by emailing